Saying Goodbye - Both Happy and Sad

This weekend we said goodbye to my aunt.  It was a lesson to me in how to live a life of love and meaning as I sat in the church packed with family, friends and mere acquaintances who all took the time to come together to remember an incredible lady.  There were many, mostly family, who traveled a long way to be here, and others who came a few blocks because she meant enough to them to make the trip.  As most memorial services are, it was both a time of sadness for our loss and happy, sometimes funny, memories of someone we all loved.

Then the next day, the family gathered at our family gravesite to pay our respects to those who have already passed on.  I don't live near my relatives, but we have a unique family where all of my mom's family - our grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins - all grew up together.  This means that all 16 of us cousins grew up like brothers & sisters and we all felt like we had 6 sets of parents.  It's incredible, now that the next generation is reaching adulthood, that we can still gather like this and feel like we're all part of a legacy of family completely dedicated to each other even though we have scattered around the country.

My aunt would have loved this, and my grandparents would have been proud to see us all there, together in unity experiencing both sadness at having to say goodbye to yet another loved one and joy in being together.  This was an opportunity for us "kids" to graduate to the next level and become the generation who is responsible for carrying on the family traditions and passing on our important lessons to our kids, so that they can take over someday.

My uncle gave each of us the opportunity to say something as we were gathered around the family plot, and for the first time, I really appreciated how special our family is and how all the years of growing together and gathering have allowed us to truly celebrate who we are and open up the deepest parts of ourselves to each other.  It's true that our loved ones who have already passed on still live on in each one of us - that was clearly evident yesterday.  And I believe it's also true that as long as there are those who remember you, your spirit will continue to live on.  Our task now is to keep those memories alive in our kids to pass them on to their kids, and so on, to keep this special family living on forever.

Dealing with Dying

Death is not an easy topic for anyone, but I’m coming to understand that it is something we will all have to face sooner or later. For me, unfortunately, it’s sooner.

My dad has cancer. It has spread to the point that there is nothing traditional medicine can do for him except keep him comfortable. I still can’t figure out how comfortable you can be when you know you have cancer growing in your belly, but at least he doesn’t seem to be in a lot of pain right now. He’s been living with his cancer diagnosis for over a year now, and while he is clearly deteriorating, he’s also hanging on and fighting as hard as he can.

On the other hand, my aunt seemed to be in constant pain. She passed away 3 days ago, and while I hate to say it, it’s probably better that she’s not suffering anymore. Her battle with cancer came with the diagnosis only 2 weeks ago, which led to agonizing days of watching her wasting away quickly and unable to escape the pain. She wasn't able to talk or otherwise communicate her needs or wishes but was still aware of her surroundings. I’m sure it didn’t help to know that her family was in disagreement over how to handle her care and her final arrangements, and as much as I love my cousins, I’m thankful I didn’t have to be in the middle of their differences of opinion.

It’s astounding to realize that this is more than a bad dream – that I’ve actually been watching my loved ones die. A colleague of mine said that when she was going through the process with her parents, it seemed surreal. That’s a good word to describe what this is like. The good daughter in me wants to be there to support my dad – and my mom – as they deal with this disease and what it is slowly doing to his body. I want to be there to help him sit up and to hear what he has to say, regardless of how difficult it sometimes is to understand him since weakness has affected his voice as well. I want to meet with the doctors and get a better understanding of what’s happening to my dad, so that I might be better able to deal with what comes when it comes. But it is also extraordinarily difficult to be there amid sickness and sadness and waiting when life is busy moving forward outside of the confines of my parents’ house.  For me, Mom & Dad are a plane ride away from my husband and kids and I'm torn each time they drop me off at the airport.

Time changes when you’re in the middle of the death watch. On one hand, it goes quickly as you busy yourself with giving medications, meeting with medical providers and taking care of day-to-day tasks. And I take a deep breath each time I know my dad has made it to see another day. On the other hand time is eerily slow, as it seemed as we watched my aunt struggle with each breath she took. During these moments, time seems cruel and tortuous.  But the one thing we can't change is that, eventually, the time will come for each one of us.  I don't think knowing that makes things easier, but accepting that can actually bring a smidgen of comfort during a difficult process - it's really not that someone is playing a cruel trick or that it's not fair.  Death is part of the natural progression of life, and I'm thankful I can look back and know that my dad has lived his life well.  I only hope I can say the same about my life when my time comes.

When dealing with kids ... just breathe

I've discovered that I'm not as patient as I used to be - or maybe I'm just not as patient as I thought I was.

Being a rookie step-mom has been a constant measure of my patience as well as my ability to think on my feet.  Like, what will I actually do if I get to 3 and the kid doesn't stop?  Honestly, half the time I don't have a clue.  My husband, on the other hand, seems to be able to come up with consequences in a heartbeat.  Granted, he's been doing this longer than I have.  And he's been doing it with these particular kids.  But still I wonder ... should I sit up at night after the kids go to bed & put together a list of consequences that I can use in any situation?

Column A - for major incidents (hitting, throwing deadly objects, spitting/peeing/flinging other nasty (and unidentifiable) fluids on other kids, breaking grandma's vase, you get the picture):

- No TV for a week

- No Nintendo for a week

- No scooter, bike, movies (or pick your own favorite toy, activity, or privilege) for a week

(There's something about a week that seems to resonate well for major offenses.  Why is that?  Think about that later. )

On to Column B - for minor issues (bad manners at the table, talking back, running like a maniac through the house, etc.):

- Time out - length based on severity of incident

- No dessert

- Go straight to bed after dinner

- Think of more ... why can't I think of more?

See what I mean, I need some serious practice in doling out effective yet appropriate consequences for misbehavior.  Or maybe, I just need to slow down and breathe.

Why am I getting all bent out of shape over these things?  I've realized over the past couple weeks that I'm starting to resemble the wicked stepmother in Cinderella, and I don't like what I see.  Has it really come to this?  Sure, I want to have well-mannered, respectful, bright children and be the envy of the after-school carpool crowd, but I don't have to become a tyrant in my own home.

My kids deserve better than that, and I deserve to enjoy my time with them more like my husband does.  So I've decided to breathe more, to use the strategy of slowing down before I react (unless someone is about to inflict bodily harm, of course), and ask myself if the misbehavior of the moment is really something that needs an immediate consequence.

Perhaps there can be more talking and less yelling, more learning and fewer rolling eyes, more playing and fewer minutes spent in time out.  And perhaps the kids are going to turn out fine after all.

Welcome to AlterNatives!

Hmmmm ... a chance to write things that will hopefully be meaningful to those who read them.  This is an opportunity I simply can't pass up.

  

As a long time member of the "works too much" club, this is a chance for me to break from the day-to-day routine of commuting and pushing paper and talk about things that are important to me.  Not that I can claim "expertise" on too many things, but I have had significant experiences that I think could be useful to the masses of blog readers visiting this site.

A few topic areas I'll be covering include:

• Kids & Parenting -- The two little people in my life certainly keep me and my husband hopping, and we learn something new every day!  Sharing our more profound lessons and some of our "a-ha" moments might bring you some insight, or maybe just a good laugh.
• Living Life Well -- Outside of my paid job, I love helping people live their lives in ways that bring them more happiness, satisfaction & smiles.  I certainly don't have all the answers, but I'll share with you some of the strategies that have worked for me and others. And I hope you will find something of interest to you and those you love, too!
• Education -- I've been working in colleges and universities for my entire adult life, and I can say with some authority that I've learned the ins and outs of higher education.  I'll talk about what it takes to go to college & be successful.  Most posts will be related to public community college & university settings, but I've also worked in the private arena, so some of this will ultimately sneak in from time to time.
• Relationships -- Married, single or a status you can't quite figure out? As humans, we are constantly seeking to make our relationships more meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling.  Whether you've found love, are seeking love or are looking for ways to appreciate your friends more, we'll take a look at the ups and downs of relationships today.

Along the way, you'll undoubtedly find my writing infused with desert themes from beautiful Arizona, animal stories because I love furry creatures, and general musings on everyday life - loving well, appreciating each day and recognizing the humor that daily living can bring.

I hope you'll be inspired to leave some comments - my ego especially likes the positive ones :) -- and to visit often.

For now, it's time to see what the kids are up to.  Until next time ...